Rating/Genre: g/gen (angst? hurt/comfort).
Characters/Pairing: adult!Molly Walker/adult!Micah Sanders, Mohinder Suresh(/Matt Parkman).
Summary: Molly wants to get pregnant, something that isn’t as easy as it may sound like, and she talks to Mohinder about it.
Word count: 2 494
Notes: Based on another prompt from the Heroes Memorial Kink Meme #2. This is a future where Matt and Mohinder are married and Matt Jr. and Molly were raised by them.
They had been silent ever since they stepped out of the hospital. Micah didn’t look at her, his eyes were fixed steadily on the road, and he kept the car steadily a little bit too far below the speed limit. As if she was very fragile now all of a sudden and he had to be extra careful. What was the point of that?
“Drive faster”, she snapped, “I want to get home today, not tomorrow.”
The first words uttered after such a long silence, did they really have to be so harsh? Yes. Molly clenched her fists and dug her nails into her palms, pressing hard. She was not going to cry.
“I know it’s hard”, Micah said, “but at least we know about it now, right? We don’t have to wait and try anymore, I mean now that we know for sure…”
Instead of answering her boyfriend, Molly ordered him to turn left after the traffic lights. It wasn’t the way home but he did as he was told. She couldn’t stand his ‘I know’, ‘I understand’, because he couldn’t understand; it wasn’t his body that was malfunctioning.
Micah turned left, because that was the way to Matt and Mohinder and he didn’t question her need to see them.
“So…”, he said when he stopped the car outside their house, “do you want me to come in or do you want me to pick you up later?”
Molly looked at the house where she had spent the later years of her childhood and her teens. She thought of it as a happy time, a peaceful time. After her stay in India, her two guardians had finally decided they wanted to be together forever. Molly had lived with them and Matty until she went to college, and they had a dog. Now it was Matty’s turn to go to college and the dog was dead but Matt and Mohinder were still the same as always.
“No”, she said to her boyfriend. “Matt can drive me home later.”
Micah nodded. She knew that she hurt him by shutting him out but she couldn’t say ‘I’m sorry’. She was, but she didn’t want to be. She wanted to be angry and Micah was so kind and understanding; she knew that she would start yelling at him, blaming him for everything, and they were going to have a huge pointless fight. No, she wanted him to leave her alone for a while, and he did.
Mohinder was happy to see her. Matt wasn’t in but her other dad gave her coffee and cookies, hugs and smiles, and she allowed herself to relax into the feeling of being a little girl again. Safe and protected without worries.
“I’m glad you’re here”, Mohinder said after a while of talking about nonsense. “I wanted to tell you that Matt and I are thinking about getting a new puppy, what do you think?”
A puppy, a baby dog. A new little life in the house. A baby.
Molly, who wasn’t going to cry, burst into tears.
She hadn’t been crying since… she didn’t remember when, but not in a long time. But now that she had started she couldn’t stop and the tears filled up all the empty holes in her. Many big, empty holes.
“Darling, my darling Molly, sweetest child, what’s the matter? Don’t cry, tell me what’s wrong, how can I help you?”
Mohinder was holding her in his arms, rocking her gently, and little by little did she become aware of his voice. So gentle and soft and caring. Feeling his love made her cry even more, but after some time, she couldn’t cry anymore. The tears were gone and her eyes were hurting.
Mohinder gave her a tissue and she wiped her face and blew her nose. Mohinder’s shoulder and chest were wet but it didn’t seem to bother him.
“Micah and I…” Molly’s voice was hoarse and unsteady, and she tried to clear her throat.
Mohinder waited patiently for her to go on. Suddenly she wished that Matt had been there. Saying the words hurt so much but they were in her head all the time anyway.
“Micah and I have been trying to get pregnant but we can’t because I’m infertile.”
Saying the words was surprisingly easy. They didn’t turn to green little monsters before her eyes, they didn’t cut her tongue bloody and they didn’t fall to the floor with a loud crash.
The words fell into Mohinder’s dark eyes filled with love and for a moment it felt easier. But then it became unbearable again.
“I wanted to give you grandchildren”, she said, and she felt big tears rolling down her cheeks.
Not that that was all she wanted. She didn’t want a child for Mohinder and Matt’s sake, but for her own. There were so many reasons why. One of them was the intense longing she had been feeling for years already when she watched women with babies. It was like a physical ache in her arms. She wanted to be a mother, to have someone to care for and love.
“We found out today”, she said, “that there’s something wrong with me. I mean, of course I’ve suspected it, because we have hoped and hoped, month after months, but nothing…”
Molly had begun to hate that sore, swollen feeling in her breasts that meant her period was approaching. Within a day or three… Not this time, she tried to tell herself, no, it doesn’t mean anything… But then, when she was touchy and sad the next few days and felt that echo of cramps that felt like the whispering presence of something evil, then she knew that she couldn’t escape.
She still tried to dream. As long as she wasn’t actually bleeding, she could pretend that she didn’t know. It’s something else. Maybe morning sickness? But then came the cramps and the flood of hot, sticky wetness that mockingly told her that her body didn’t care one bit about what she wanted.
And although it wasn’t even a miscarriage, only the proof that nothing had happened, Micah looked like they were at a funeral every time she told him.
“So you’ve had a medical examination? Many couples have difficulties getting pregnant on their own but with a little help from science…”
“No Mohinder”, Molly interrupted her scientist dad. “We saw a gynaecologist last week, a specialist. We went back there today for the test results. They’ve run so many tests on me, I almost felt like I was little again… you know, when I first met you…”
Mohinder took both her hands in his and hugged them fondly.
“If only”, he said, “if only I could help you again.”
There had been a time when Molly had believed that Mohinder could do anything. And if there was something he couldn’t do, then surely Matt could.
“Not this time”, she said with a heavy sigh. “The doctor says there’s no way I’ll ever be able to carry a child.”
“Molly, I’m so sorry”, Mohinder said.
Mohinder’s hands were warm over hers, but powerless. There was nothing he could do. But he knew things. Molly still believed him to possess almost all the knowledge in the world, and especially about things that no one else could know about or understand.
“Don’t you think there is someone somewhere”, she said hesitatingly, “who could help me? Think, Mohinder! What if there’s someone who could heal me? Don’t we know someone? Some old friend from back then? Or someone you’ve only heard of? I can find them, if you can give me a name…”
As she spoke, an almost unfamiliar feeling began to stir within her and she jumped up from the chair because she couldn’t sit still. Was it hope? Why hadn’t she thought about asking Mohinder this before?
But already the look on Mohinder’s face killed the small flame that was burning so brightly for a second.
She began walking around restlessly, from the table to the fridge to the sink to the table…
“I’m sorry”, he said slowly, “I don’t know anybody with a healing ability. I’ve heard of a few, but they’re all dead. Like Hiro Nakamura’s mother…”
Molly gasped and turned around swiftly to stare at him.
“But Hiro is alive, isn’t he? He can take me back…”
“No, Molly.” Mohinder looked so serious and sad that it made her shudder. “I’m sorry, but I don’t think a healer could help you.”
“Why not?” she whispered and she felt her face tremble. Her eyes were still smarting with tears from the last attack.
“I’ve never really thought much about this”, Mohinder said slowly, “but there is a possible explanation. A healer can only heal something that is damaged. I think that you’re simply… infertile… because your parents were two different species. Your mother didn’t have an ability, which made her different from your father. Representatives of two different species can have children but they end up infertile…”
Molly stared at him, trying to understand his words. The world began to spin around her.
“Hey!” Mohinder grabbed her and made her sit down. “Are you all right? Do you want a glass of water?”
“No, I’m not all right.” Molly hear her own voice getting higher. “I can’t have children because my parents were two different species? And you knew about this?”
“Yes”, he said and tried to touch her but she started back. “I mean, sort of, but… Like I said, it’s just a theory and I’ve never thought much about it. I didn’t know it could be an issue. It didn’t even occur to me until now…”
Mohinder looked so lost, so devastated. The silence fell between them just like it had fallen between her and Micah earlier.
Finally she spoke.
“It’s not your fault. You didn’t even know we were trying. I guess you would have thought about it if I had told you. I just wish I had known. All this time…”
“I’m sorry”, he repeated, and this time she allowed him to pull her in for a hug.
The scent of him was familiar; it was the scent of her childhood, of her home. Now it reminded her of everything she had had that had wanted to pass on to someone else. She thought about all the possibilities that she now knew had always been impossible.
“Daddy”, she sobbed, “Daddy… I wanted to be a mother, I wanted it so, so much…”
“Yes, my sweetheart”, Mohinder murmured, “yes, of course… Yes, just cry, my little one, it’s okay…”
Once again did he let her cry until she was out of tears.
“And Micah”, she said with a heavy sigh, “he wanted it, too. Not only for my sake, but he really did want us to become parents. He never had any brothers and sisters. But lately… I mean, he loves me but I’m afraid…”
“But surely Micah doesn’t blame you”, Mohinder said, trying to sound reassuring. “It’s only natural that something like this puts a lot of pressure on a relationship but like you said, he loves you. He wouldn’t leave you because you can’t have children.”
“Maybe not.” Molly sighed again. “But I know it’s hard for him, too. Especially when I… take my frustration out on him a little too much. He’s very patient, really… But it’s just… Like I said, he didn’t have any brothers or sisters and his parents are both dead. And… my mother and father are dead, so…”
“So two families end with the two of you”, Mohinder filled in and looked gently at her. “I understand, Molly. But… if you try looking at it from another angle? Like me, for example, I have never had any children of my own.”
He smiled at her.
“No biological children. But I have you and Matty and I really do think, with all due respect to your birth parents, that Matt and I love you just as much as they did.”
Molly nodded. She had never doubted that she and her younger brother, as she always thought of Matty, were loved.
“I’m not saying that I don’t understand your pain”, Mohinder said. “You and Micah must have gone through a lot and it’s only natural that you feel grief. And perhaps you’ll always feel it somewhere in your heart. But what makes a family, Molly?”
She rested her head against his tear-drenched shoulder again.
“I love you so much”, she murmured, “you and Matt. And I know what you’re saying, I really do, but… I just always assumed…”
“I understand”, Mohinder assured her, “it’s okay for you to be sad. But you will be happy again, with time. Time is your friend, okay?”
“I told Micah that Matt was going to drive me home”, she said, “but I don’t think I’m going to wait for him…”
“No”, Mohinder agreed, “I don’t think you should. Call Micah.”
Molly called him, afraid that he was going to be angry with her for pushing him away earlier, but he answered immediately as if he had been waiting for her call.
“I’ll be right there”, he promised, “I love you, Molly, you know that, right?”
Yes, she knew. She looked at Mohinder, older now than when she first met him but still a very handsome man, and tried a smile.
She didn’t really feel like smiling, and she didn’t feel so sure about the future, but she wanted to believe that she could get through everything with the help of her family. Maybe, some time in the future, she and Micah could adopt a child. She wasn’t so sure, she had never even thought about it before, but she suspected that she might learn to like the idea if she gave it some though. After all, she was adopted; her name had been Molly Parkman for more than half her life and she was loved by a small but reliable circle of people.
“Oh, Molly…” Mohinder sighed. “Nature can be cruel and unfair.”
“Yes.” She tried to smile again but failed. It felt like she had lost something but where did that come from? How can you cry over something you never had?
“But it doesn’t mean to be cruel”, Mohinder went on, “it just is…”
“I guess we all get our scars as we go though life”, Molly said thoughtfully. “And maybe that’s a good thing. A scar means that the wound is no longer bleeding, right?”
Mohinder nodded and a single lock of white hair brushed against his forehead.
“That’s right”, he said, “and this wound will stop bleeding some day, too.”
There was Micah at the door. Micah who loved her. If Molly could believe that he was going to keep on loving her, then maybe life didn’t have to be so bad.
And bad or good, it was her life and she had to learn to accept it for what it was.
Author’s notes: Prompt by Anonymous Person: “So, our heroes are representatives of a brand new species, right? (At least that's what Mohinder said at some point) And representatives of two different species can have children but they end up infertile... Molly's mother didn't possess any kind of ability... Ergo, Molly can't have children.
I want a fic dealing with the realisation of this fact.”