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17 February 2010 @ 11:23 pm
Queer Theory according to Dr. Suresh...  
Title: Queer Theory (More Than Friends 1/?)
Fandom: Heroes
Characters/pairing: Molly Walker, Matt Parkman/Mohinder Suresh (Molly-centric)
Rating/Genre: g/slash
Summary: Molly is eavesdropping after dinner and hears Matt and Mohinder talk about their relationship.
Prompt: #4 "Protection", Mystic table, 10iloveyou
Word count: 2 174
Notes: So far, almost all my stories have been Angela-centric. This is the first time I try to write Mohinder/Matt and Molly, inspired by my re-watching of season 2.

The night when things started to change between Mohinder and Matt was just a night like any other. I had finished my homework and I was helping Matt to set the table when Mohinder walked in, and he hugged me tight as always, and then he asked what we were having for dinner.

“Macaroni and cheese?” He frowned a little. “You know, Molly should eat more vegetables…”

“Hey”, Matt said, “it’s my turn to cook today, so the question is: are we having something I know how to make really yummy, or something almost uneatable just because it’s supposed to be healthy?”

“But Matt, it’s really not that hard…”

I knew that it made Matt very grumpy every time Mohinder tried to teach him something about cooking, so I quickly interrupted him by grabbing his hand to make him look at me.

“Mohinder, I made a drawing of you in school today!”

“You did?” He smiled. “That’s nice, can I see it?”

“No, it’s still on the classroom wall with all the other drawings. We were supposed to draw our family, so I drew all of us, eating ice cream. You know Annie in my class? Her mom came to pick her up, and she looked at all the pictures and said that mine was very unconventional.”

“Really?” Mohinder smiled. “What’s unconventional about ice-cream?”

I smiled back at him.

“Yeah, that’s what I said!”

“Good girl.” Matt put the last things and the table, and then he looked at me.

“Hey, the other kids aren’t giving you a hard time, are they?”

“No”, I said and started putting food on my plate, “why would they?”

“Well, but we… are an unconventional family”, Mohinder said as he sat down at the table, and he smiled when he saw that Matt and I had not forgotten to make a salad.

“I know,” I replied, “but I like this family.”

I really did. I had thought a lot about it. I could never forget my real mom and dad, but that didn’t mean that I couldn’t love Matt and Mohinder too. I knew that they could and would protect me from anything in the whole world.

There was this stupid boy in my class who bullied everyone and he tried to make the other kids tease me about them:

“Did you see Molly’s drawing? She has two daddies! Molly, are your daddies gay or something?”

But I just looked him in the eyes and said that Matt and Mohinder were not my daddies; they were my guardians and they cared about me very much, just like real fathers. And even if they were gay, I said, I wouldn’t mind at all, because that would only mean that they loved each other, and what’s wrong with that?

I didn’t tell them about this, because I didn’t want to upset them. I didn’t care what that stupid boy said, but Matt would probably be angry. And I wasn’t born yesterday. Mohinder had a funny way of looking at Matt sometimes when he thought that no one noticed; he looked like something inside of him was breaking. I thought I knew what that meant, and I was afraid that he was sad.

“You were right”, Mohinder said to Matt, “you do make the best macaroni and cheese… don’t you agree, Molly?”

“Yeah, the best ever!”

“Thanks”, Matt smiled, “I’m glad you appreciate my efforts. I live to please you guys.”

All three of us laughed, and then, suddenly, Matt’s face went pale and blank, and then he looked almost terrified.

“What?” Mohinder looked at him with eyes wide open, “what’s the matter? Did you… hear something?”

Matt glanced at me, and his ears went a little pink.

“No, no, it was nothing. Just something out on the street…”

“Is it someone who needs help? Aren’t you gonna help them?”

I rushed over to the window and looked out, but I didn’t see anything.

“I told you it was nothing”, Matt snapped, “come back here and finish your meal!”

“All right”, I said, “you don’t have to yell at me. You’re the one who looked all weird…”

“Sorry”, he said without sounding at all like he meant it, “just eat, will you?”

I looked at Mohinder, who just shrugged his shoulders, and I knew that even if he understood what was going on with Matt, he wasn’t going to tell me.

And I didn’t mean to be eavesdropping later when they were doing the dishes. I just happened to hear, when I was reading a book on the couch, that Mohinder asked Matt what all that was about, that scene at the table. As I wanted to know that too, I sneaked a little bit closer and they didn’t notice.

“Don’t tell me it was ‘nothing’, Matt. Don’t shut me out. Look, you don’t always have to tell me everything, but…”

“But what?” Matt voice was tense and low. “You just have to keep your thoughts to yourself…”

“What?!” Mohinder sounded very upset. “You heard me think something? Matt, you can’t do that, what was it you heard – “

Both of them was quiet, and then Mohinder gasped:

“Oh my God, Matt; no, you didn’t…?”

It was obvious that both of them were nervous and upset, but I didn’t understand what they were talking about. We all agreed that it would be wrong of Matt to use his abilities on Mohinder and me, but was it so bad if it happened accidentally sometimes? What could Mohinder have thought to make Matt that upset?

“Yes”, Matt replied with something sharp in his voice, “I did. And believe me, I’m deeply sorry I did, but it was just that we all laughed and then I heard you think that you could think of other ways that I could please you…”

“Well”, Mohinder gulped, “What I think is my own business, but I’m not ashamed to admit it, if I have to. I never invited you into my head.”

“I know you didn’t but it happened, okay, so now it has kind of become my business! I heard what you thought next, too.”

“I thought”, Mohinder said slowly, “that deep down you feel an attraction, too… You’re just afraid to admit it, my friend…but you don’t have to be…”

Matt blushed and didn’t want to look into Mohinder’s eyes when he said:

“Are you telling me that… But we’re not like that. We’re not… queer.”

Then it all made sense to me; I understood that Matt had heard Mohinder think that he liked him, and that made him embarrassed. I was sorry that he felt that way, because if Matt liked Mohinder the same way, I figured, that would make them even more like real parents, who are in love.

“Why not?”

I would have liked to ask that, too. Matt seemed to be surprised by Mohinder’s simple question, and stuttered:

“I – I have a wife!”

I peeked carefully into the kitchen and I saw that Matt blushed like a kid who had forgotten to do the homework and tried to come up with an excuse that didn’t sound too lame. Mohinder looked at him like a really cool teacher who usually cuts the kids some slack but who now decides to be very strict for once.

“Mhm?” Mohinder smiled a little. “No, you had a wife. And that’s kind of what ‘queer’ means, you know: Emotions and attractions are not fixed, stable entities; sexual identity is fluid and goes through changes…”

“Come on, Mohinder!” Matt sighed and shook his head. “Listen to yourself, always the professor… you sound like you’re talking about something you could study at the university.”

I didn’t really understand what Mohinder was saying and I thought that Matt was right, but Mohinder didn’t back off.

“Actually there is something called Queer Theory, and it is a common theoretical background if you’re in for example Gender Studies, and most things really, even things like Theology…”

Matt snapped:

“I suppose you have a degree in that too, Dr. Suresh?”

“No, I have not. And we’re getting off topic. I’m just saying… I would never have told you that I’m attracted to you until I thought that you were ready to hear it, and I’m sorry it makes you upset, but now, as you’ve taken the information yourself…”

“I didn’t take it on purpose. And what makes you think I’d ever be ready to hear it?”

Mohinder smiled his gentlest smile, the one that usually could make both Matt and me relax when we were upset about something. But now, Matt didn’t seem to be relaxed, quite the opposite, and he blushed again and clenched his fists.

“I don’t know”, Mohinder said calmly, “maybe because I know that you do like me…”

“Yes!” Matt interrupted, “as a friend, as a roommate! Mohinder, don’t ruin everything, don’t talk like that.”

They both looked at each other with sadness in their eyes, and I was sad, too. I was afraid that Matt was right, that this was going to ruin our family, and I was very sorry for Mohinder.

“But I’m just saying”, Mohinder said, “it’s nothing to be afraid of. I never thought about it myself before I met you, but it’s not unnatural…”

“I’m not saying it’s unnatural, I’m not a homophobe. I’m just… And what would Molly think?”

I wanted to tell him that I hated it when they argued and that I would want them to be together and be happy, but I thought that they would be angry with me for eavesdropping so I didn’t say anything.

Mohinder looked like he was astonished by Matt’s argument and was quiet for a while.

“Well, if that’s what you’re worried about… Look, Molly is a smart, sensitive girl, she would understand. In fact, I think she’s more understanding than what you seem to be.”

Matt took a deep breath, looked down on his feet and said nothing.

Mohinder sighed and shook his head.

“I’m sorry. Look, if it makes you uncomfortable, we don’t have to talk about it. Just forget it – and stay out of my head, okay?”

Matt nodded quietly and turned around to walk away and I quickly retired behind the wall.

Mohinder called him back.

“Wait, Matt. Can you look me in the eyes and say that you have never felt it too?”

Silence, and then Matt’s voice:

“No. Never.”

“I can’t read your mind”, Mohinder said, “but really, I don’t have to. When you’re not pushing yourself into someone’s thoughts, then you’re a terrible liar, Matt.”

“I’m going out”, Matt said abruptly, “I can’t take this conversation right now.”

Matt walked right past me but he didn’t seem to notice me. When the door slammed behind him, I went to my room.

A minute later, Mohinder came in. He leaned against the doorframe and asked:

“Have you done your homework?”

“Yes, I did it before dinner. I didn’t need any help.”

“That’s great.” He smiled faintly. “Hey, Molly… you heard all of that, didn’t you?”

I stared at him.

“How did you know?”

Mohinder smiled a real smile, and came in and sat down beside me on my bed.

“Because I saw you in the corner of my eye. I didn’t want to tell Matt.”

I felt tears coming to my eyes, and I said that I was sorry.

“I know you are. Eavesdropping is very bad, and Matt and I trust you not to do that. There are certain things grownups need to talk about in private.”

He touched my cheek with his soft, warm hand.

“Hey, don’t cry… I’m not angry with you.”

That wasn’t why I felt like crying, but I looked him in the eyes and saw that he wasn’t angry, only tired and sad.

“But Matt”, I said, “he left. What if he’s not coming back? Mohinder, I don’t want you to split up, I want us all to stay together forever!”

I threw my arms around his neck and he held me and stroke my back.

“I know, I want that too. But don’t worry, Molly. Neither of us will walk out on you, and Matt will come back soon, I know he will. He’s just a little shaken and scared right now, that’s all.”

“But I don’t understand”, I sobbed, “you love him, don’t you? Why does that make him scared?”

“I don’t blame you for not understanding this”, Mohinder said slowly, “because it is hard to understand. But the truth is, that sometimes, what scares grownups the most is love.”

I thought about this for a while. It sounded weird. I knew that both Matt and Mohinder loved me, and I knew that they loved each other because we were a family. To me, that was the opposite of being scared.

I asked Mohinder what he was going to do about it.

“I don’t think that I’m going to do anything about it”, he said. “Matt just needs a little more time. And then, everything will be all right.”
Starr Dust: Linusstarrdust411 on February 17th, 2010 11:40 pm (UTC)
Awwww. This was really cute and sad. I like how you did this from Molly's point of view and had her take in everything, but not fully understand the situation.

Poor Mohinder. His feelings get forced out and now he had to hide them again :(

This was definitely and interesting story. Good job :)
amles80: cherryamles80 on February 18th, 2010 01:02 pm (UTC)
Thank you, I'm very glad you liked it! :)

My first idea was to write something about Molly's feelings toward her "new daddies" v/s her loss of her real parents, but then it just happened to be more about the guys...

Yes, poor Mohinder... but of course, I think Matt will surrender to his love sooner or later ;)

Thank you so much for reading and commenting.
eternal_moonieeternal_moonie on February 18th, 2010 08:52 am (UTC)
Sweet loveable story!
amles80amles80 on February 18th, 2010 01:03 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'm happy you like my fics :)
boudecia7boudecia7 on February 18th, 2010 04:45 pm (UTC)
Awww, sweet but sad. I haven't seen any fics with Molly living with Matt and Mohinder for such a long time. I hope things work out for them! It was really nice to see something from her point of view, thank you!
amles80: cherryamles80 on February 21st, 2010 07:51 pm (UTC)
Molly's point of view just "came to me", I'm always fascinated by the way a story is "born"... I'm glad you liked it! I have always thought that Matt and Mohinder are a perfect couple, so yes, things must work out for them. :) I guess I've just seen Matt as a guy who never realized before that he could be attracted to a man, but then...

Thank you so much for reading and commenting, it means a lot! :)
cmarie972cmarie972 on February 19th, 2010 10:53 pm (UTC)
So cute! I can't wait to read the continuation... please?
amles80: beautifulamles80 on February 21st, 2010 07:55 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! I'm actually overwhelmed that so many people commented on this one. I never thought of a continuation, I just wrote this without any plans... but it's very possible that I can come up with something. :)
kidarania_nikakidarania_nika on February 13th, 2011 04:20 pm (UTC)
"I wasn't born yesterday." Haha, too true. Matt's being silly: Of course Molly would understand if they were together. I mean...really...from her point of view, beyond the positive shift in her guardians' emotional state, what would the difference be?

And really, she's a child of - what? - the 90s? Born in this day and age, she's more likely to be gay than be afraid of gays.

Teehee. I'd like to think Matt had drawn himself some lovely prophetic pictures, and he's embarrassed because of those, not because of his attraction to Mohinder.


P.S. Hope you don't mind my commenting style. I just say what a piece makes me think/feel, instead of saying, "yay, great read, I loved it, continue, blahblah, generic response here" over and over again. ^^
amles80: homeamles80 on February 13th, 2011 06:16 pm (UTC)
Oh my, I absolutely LOVE your commenting style! what a piece makes the reader think/feel is exactly when we want when we write something, isn't it?! At least I think so. Because as much as I appreciate short enthusiastic comments (it's nice to know that someone reads what I write!) it's great to see something substantial.

And I agree what you say about Molly. Matt here is just not ready to admit to the truth yet... I had something slightly different in mind when I started this (to go deeper into Molly's feelings about her new life v/s her old life etc) but then it became this long-ish "how do Matt and Mohinder get together" story instead...
kidarania_nikakidarania_nika on February 13th, 2011 06:26 pm (UTC)
Yay! It's good to know my style works for you! :D (I got cussed out for it once. I laughed at them for it, but it still makes me nervous when talking to authors I don't know.)

:D I like this better. Molly's feelings about her old life...well, it brings up a lot of conflict. While its good to deal with those issues, I enjoy seeing her happy again more.

amles80amles80 on February 13th, 2011 07:45 pm (UTC)
Yes, I can see why that makes you nervous. But I can't see anything wrong with the way you comment - it's like Christmas to me! :D But I don't know, people react diffrently...

And now that we're talking about comment style, I'd like to point out that if ever you read something that you think is not so good for whatever reason, I'd love to hear it! I don't know why people are so afraid of criticism. Personally I would welcome some "con crit". I feel that if I get a comment that I interpret as negative/critical (not that it happens a lot; in my experience, people can say "yay I loved this!" but mostly without explanation, and if they don't like it they say nothing) I would like to understand why the person feels the way s/he does and it wouldn't make me angry. Because 1) we all have individual taste and 2) it makes my writng better if I'm told what's NOT working.

Oh, and I don't mean to imply that you have to read everything I've written and review it. I'm just saying that I believe you're smart, and whatever you read, feel free to say what you want about it!

Yes, happy is good. :D I have forgotten where my first more angsty idea was going to take me because I enjoyed writing this more. Like I said, writing darker things just isn't my strong suit. :)
kidarania_nikakidarania_nika on February 13th, 2011 11:10 pm (UTC)
*does the "happy little squee" dance* :D You called me smart! Whee~

I like to get to know my authors before I con-crit any of their work, unless they truly need a single, well-thought out review to balance all the horrid comments people had previously piled on them. That way I can understand why there is a particular mistake in a piece of writing, and not just assume that one story shows an author's entire skill set.

I think that's why I started commenting the way I do. If you relay how a piece makes you feel, you can still guide the author to understanding their own work better but without implying that there's something wrong with what they've done.
amles80amles80 on February 13th, 2011 11:33 pm (UTC)
Yes I did, and I'm not afraid to do it again when I feel it's appropriate!

Like right now. I like the way you think! Of course it makes sense to know the author. It's very true that not just one story shows it all. I'm part of a writing group (a "spin-off" from a creative writing class) and I remember that there was one text in particular that I just didn't "get" in the beginning. But with more time we learned to understand each other better, and to get to know each other on a personal level... and as a result, we're all better readers/critics and, I hope, better writers. So, yeah... I get your point.

kidarania_nikakidarania_nika on February 13th, 2011 11:39 pm (UTC)
That is one of the highest compliments anyone has ever paid me. One of the highest that anyone can give. *has a happy floaty feeling* :D I love your gentle spirit; I'm still learning how you think, but I'm looking forward to learning more about you. <3
amles80amles80 on February 14th, 2011 06:12 pm (UTC)
Do I have a gentle spirit? I don't know. Anyway, the way I think is not complicated. :)
kidarania_nikakidarania_nika on February 15th, 2011 03:02 am (UTC)
You /do/ have a gentle spirit! It's like you have this aura of - of - of happiness! about you. Happiness and hope.
amles80amles80 on February 15th, 2011 07:56 pm (UTC)
Oh my. Too bad I can't see my own aura then. I should print this and put it on my wall. <3

(I need to think about this...)
kidarania_nikakidarania_nika on February 15th, 2011 09:43 pm (UTC)

I don't even know what to say. Except... you do radiate a sense of kindness. I'm half-torn between wanting to tease you - to see if you will fight back - and wanting to just placate your fears... but, as neither of those are part of my personality, I won't do either. ^^;; Instead I'll probably just ask you questions and make you think too much.
amles80amles80 on February 16th, 2011 02:57 pm (UTC)
Sounds good. :) And I can’t argue that I’m a “kind” person rather than rude, harsh, etc… but I find it interesting that you have this idea of me already after so short time. Of course there’s always a first impression but I’m never really sure about what impression people get of me, and when they tell me I’m often surprised.
kidarania_nikakidarania_nika on February 16th, 2011 09:31 pm (UTC)
Well, I've found that a person always has all facets of a personality. While I'm positive there's a situation out there that can make you a harsher person, I've seen no evidence that it rules your life; And that's why I've called you kind.

I'm...how to put it...a bit of a psychoanalyst. Instead of interviewing you and testing you for personality traits and quirks, I just read. I love just sitting down for a good six hours and learning a person by first experiencing what angle they'd like to show others.

Sometimes it is more difficult -- and in fanfiction it is most difficult, (because the author is using their own words to explain someone else, not his or herself,) -- but I like gaining a sense of someone's "self" before I talk to them, and then seeing how my opinion changes as we get to know each other.

...I must admit, I was worried at first. I still am, a bit. I'm extremely aggravated at my own life right now, and I'd hate for that to come across in how you experience me. I can try all I want to keep it out of my writing, but I see traces of it all over the place and it worries me greatly... that somehow, you'll only see the bad in me.
amles80amles80 on February 18th, 2011 12:01 am (UTC)
Hey, I like talking to you. :) I mean, sure I meet very nice people on LJ every now and then but most people just drop a comment and then they’re gone. I’m delighted by the fact that you want to stay and talk.

Your comments kind of remind me of a couple of my writing friends. When we talk about somebody’s work, I’m often amazed by how they manage to notice and point out details and connections that I haven’t thought of. I mean, of course I think too, but I kind of feel like I’m mostly just splashing about on the surface of things with an occasional blind plunge when some people are more like submarines. If you see what I mean. (Maybe not…the middle of the night again…)

I’ve always (?) felt more comfortable expressing myself in writing (not with very close friends/family…) than talking. And I’m very sure that also fiction tells a lot about a person, even when fiction is supposed to mean “this is not about me”! Fanfiction must be a little different because we’re using characters that someone else has created but even here, we pick and chose for a reason, don’t we, and twist and turn the plots in our own way… I don’t know what kind of conclusions that are possible to draw (I doubt anyone would think that all people who write Nathan/Peter wants to have incestuous relationships with their siblings, for example!) but somewhere in it, it must mean something, even if it’s just the imagination running wild… I know that some (many?) of the things I write here is “explainable” if I wanted to see reasons why I write this or that, and the same is always true with my original writing. And yet most of the things I write (excluding the period when I wrote poetry) are very far from my real life…

When I started doing this, I had this theory that it could be good for my original writing, that the relative anonymity could help me “go deeper” and write better, but I don’t know. We did an “experiment” once in my creative writing class at the end of the 2nd semester. We were used to each other’s way of writing then, so the challenge was to write something the others saw as different. Like “you always write so beautifully, only romantic and happy stuff [not true, not happy!], try to write something dark, dirty, bloody, violent!”… I took it literally at first and wrote something bloody about a girl who turned into a monster and killed people, but that was just too crappy to let anybody read. So I made a serious attempt at digging up some darkness and deep angst… which was difficult but… not bad. I’ve tried to remember that since then, that it’s possible for me not to shy away from things that are there somewhere, but I don’t always succeed. And I’m not sure if writing fanfic really is the best for me; it takes too much time off my “real work”…

And why am I always talking so much?! You’re going to run away from me soon… Anyway, I’m sure that I will not at all only see the bad in you! I already see good in you and I don’t think that what you write because of how your life makes you feel will change that.
kidarania_nikakidarania_nika on February 18th, 2011 12:27 am (UTC)
:D I enjoy talking with you, also. I find the internet to be so impersonal that sometimes I can't help but try to reach out!

I don't think it is necessary to repeat exactly what a person already knows about their own work. Maybe to emphasize the spectacular nature of it, but otherwise it doesn't help a person get better. So, instead, I like digging down to the heart of the matter - the thoughts behind the word, the heart behind the thoughts - and say something a little different. (If I'm feeling a little cathartic, that is. Otherwise I just write a normal comment full of OMGs and YAYs and all of that. ^^)

I also feel more comfortable expressing myself in writing. To be honest, I hate talking to people. Interpersonal interaction drives me INSANE. So, typing out my words and reading the voice-inflection-less text gives me that comfortable zone to allow me to sit back and express myself better.

I like ideas. The idea of Nathan/Peter is "forbidden", but I like it more for the idea that despite all of the inherent problems, they still want it. It's the age old tale of "I want someone to want to fight to be with me" that inspired thousands of knight-rescuing-princess stories. So, when I see incestuous romance in a fictional sense, that is what I interpret. The level of dedication put into such an outcome.

I started writing fanfic because it helped me incorporate ideas into other people's fantasies. While originally it was a ruse to get my little sister to write in full sentences/learn a larger vocabulary/care about the quality of what she was reading, it helped me learn a lot about how to write a story with the intention of it being read. That was a big deal for me. Words are personal, and I don't want others to know mine...but somehow it becomes closer to "OK" if I write it with the fictional label as a shield.

I like hearing about your life, how you got places and learned about yourself. Please keep talking about it, and don't let even the thought of my disinterest sway you! I'm always willing to learn more, especially about a friend.

I'm glad to hear you can't tell that I'm just a cranky old coot (lol), reading perverted materials and getting off on my character's pain. ^^ At least in that sense, I am happy to be understood...