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08 March 2020 @ 10:15 pm
This journal contains a lot of fanfiction, not for profit, with quite a lot of femslash and slash (same sex romance), and some adult concepts.

For now, I use this place mostly as a personal journal - most posts are friends only. Fanfic posts are still public, though. Here is the list of all my fanfiction, sorted by fandom and pairing. (Comments are welcome and appreciated.)

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Current Mood: artistic
13 August 2015 @ 08:55 pm
The conversation I had with Stefan yesterday reminded me about this scene from Gone With the Wind:

scarlett needs kissing badly.gif
by someone who knows.gif

*lol* Don't take it too seriously; he didn't actually say that! He would never say that there is anything "wrong" with me, and he definitely wouldn't say that there is anything wrong that could be cured by kissing! Once somebody said something similar and I was offended... but in the right context, it is exactly how I'm feeling sometimes. And that's why I thought this was funny...

If there is anything "wrong" with me it's the fact that I'm still scared of... something... I don't even know, but the idea that I need kissing badly is surely not the cause of it. (And not the effect either. It's just a problem in itself that won't be solved by talking - or at least not by talking to Stefan.)

Something else that I need is a job. I need it so I can buy more dresses like this one and have a reason to wear them. But on the other hand I don't know if this is a very teacher-like outfit. I think I would be over dressed... My sense of fashion is very under developed so I'm not sure when it would be the right time to wear something like this? *lol* It's just that sometimes I enjoy just trying things on and pretending there's a reason for it.

You getting tired of my selfies yet?Collapse )

When did I become this kind of person?? Step by step, I suppose. This month I've even bought a couple of women's magazines, and I looked up a few more online, to see which ones I'd actually be in the intended target group for. (As to why I did that, I thought about adding some kind of explanatory paragraph, but then I thought: what on earth would I need to do that for?! That's a part of my general problem with myself I suppose; the idea that I always have to make excuses for everything. Really.) The last time I read that type of magazines was when I was like 17, so those were teen magazines. There are quite a lot of them to chose from actually, even in a grocery store with not such a huge selection of magazines. Kind of interesting, actually... This or that I think I'm too old for, being over thirty, this one uses words like "business", "career", "success" too often, that one I'm too young for... But I have a feeling this is a phase. We'll see...
18 April 2015 @ 12:25 am
I finally finished reading City of Bones (The Mortal Instruments #1) by Cassandra Clare. ("Stad av skuggor" in Swedish translation.) The title is better than the book itself. I didn't hate it because I was moderately interested in the story at times, and every once in a while it made me giggle. It wasn't very good, though. I mean... Girl suddenly discovers there's an unknown world of supernatural beings and demons and people who kill demons, she meets new people and there are adventures and it turns out her mother had a life before she was born, and she's the bad guy's child. Okay, I'm not saying that nothing good can come out of this plot, but... the way it was done here... As soon as people started talking about Valentine, I knew that he had to be her father. *sighs* And I knew the whole time that Luke was not at all a bad guy, he just acted that way because that's what people do when they try to protect someone. *double sigh* And Hodge? How boring that he had to be the traitor. I don't even have the energy to talk about it, but I read a review on Goodreads that pointed out all the things in here that makes it seem like a mix of fanfics for Harry Potter, Star Wars and other things...... Ah, I guess the point is, there was really nothing at all that felt like it was new and fresh in this book.

Also, this person on Goodreads said her eleven year old niece had pointed out the grammatical errors. I thought it was just a bad Swedish translation! That's very interesting... Also, the abundance of metaphors! Wow. I think sometimes there was something good, but after some time I just rolled my eyes whenever there was a metaphor. Sometimes when you try very hard to make it sound good, you just... try too hard.

Okay, so that's that. I'm not going to read the rest of this series.
22 March 2015 @ 11:31 pm
I had a good weekend with my writer friends. This time was special because there were things to celebrate. We’ve all written novels, some of us several, or collections of short stories or poetry, but now, one of us, Marie, will get a book published!! Like, seriously, for real, a real serious publishing house!! It’s so cool. :) So we had cakes (made by me and Liv) and sparkling wine and lots of food. Other than that, we didn’t work, we just hung out this time and it was great.

Something else to celebrate was that Anna told us she’s pregnant with her third child. She says this will be her last, because pregnancies are very risky for her and the babies, she has some kind of problems that make her very sick (not right now, though, it seemed!) and can make the baby sick, too. She had that problem the two first times.

Next, Liv said that her wife Malin is pregnant, too. And for them, it’s amazing because they have been trying IVF for two and a half years and it has been really hard for them to go through that process of hoping and being sad over and over again. Finally, it happened. Liv has written poems about it, or more like a short but intense lyrical story. She read it aloud, it was really magical.

Linda already has two children, the youngest is seven months, and she says that’s enough for her. (Marie’s kids are grown up, they’re between 26 and 18.) Because of all this, there was a lot of baby/pregnancy talk for a long time. Or maybe it just felt like a long time. Of course I’m very happy and excited for my friends, especially Liv – it’s hard to even imagine how painful it has been for her. I mean, I can understand a little bit because I can relate to wanting a baby, but her and Malin’s situation is very different from how I just want to. I can also understand what they all are saying about their respective troubles and difficulties and I can appreciate how much pain and problems I don’t have to go through, but still… It was hard for me. I really wanted to tell them that, how I envy all of them but I didn’t say anything. It felt wrong to do it, I’m glad for them after all and it’s their happiness. But I felt like “okay, but what about me?!” (Mia in this case doesn’t count because she doesn’t feel this way at all.) I can’t even explain how I feel.

It’s like there’s a hole in me and I can’t even complain about it because it’s my own fault. My life is like this.

We talked about our writing as well – each of us got half an hour (well, we tried that… *lol*) to talk about our current projects or where we are right now with our writing or whatever. I didn’t have a lot to say, but it felt good to talk about the fact that I’m not writing and it felt good that they were very understanding. I study and work and honestly it’s more than enough for me.

I also mentioned Stefan a little bit. Because it felt like I was just talking about how hard it is for me to write right now and negative stuff like that, I also wanted to add that there are good things as well. Most of them know this but Anna has never heard about Stefan before so I just wanted to tell her. Now I sort of regret it.

She was, at first, very surprised that I talked about a man, but she got over it quickly and I didn’t want to talk about all my thoughts about that anyway. It is how it is, and it’s not a problem. Then she wanted to know who it is and what has happened. When I told her that it’s “not like that” because he’s married, she said: “Oh, no! No, what are you doing there, Lisa? Don’t do this again…”

Well, yes, I know, but it’s not like I fell for him on purpose because he’s married. And even if they (Linda said it) thinks that it’s something I do because it’s “safer”, I can’t see it like that because it makes me feel like I’m stupid, and then I think that okay, maybe I am, and what’s the point of trying to think or trying to figure out what you feel if it’s not for real anyway because it’s just something I decide to do!

Then she asked for more details, and then she said: “Ohhh, so it’s your therapist! Okay, I see, so it’s just transference, then.”

So it’s not just about a married man, it’s a therapist as well! How ridiculous can I get?!

Anna said: “Oh Lisa, you need to find something real, and learn what a real relationship is like, beyond your idea about romance…” Well, I don’t know what my idea about romance has to do with anything (I don’t think there’s anything “romantic” about my feelings for Stefan, not in the way that I can write poetry out of it and think of it as valuable for that reason), but I guess she’s right. Even so… Being told that this is just something stupid, not real, it hurts. It’s not that I don’t want more, this was not the reaction I was hoping for.

I mean, it’s good to like somebody, to enjoy spending time with them, right? It’s even better to know that the person accepts being liked. That’s what I think. I don’t know. Maybe it’s ridiculous to try to say something about Stefan as if it’s something good. Of course I also know how pointless the whole thing is. And how it’s like I don’t live a real life.

I felt so stupid but of course Anna has always made me feel like a child even though she’s just two years older. To be honest it’s not that I absolutely wanted to tell her about Stefan, I just wanted to mention him to my friends a little bit and say his name once or twice. Well, that’s just silly, of course because they’re right that it’s not the same as a real relationship. Is it just that it hurts to hear the truth? (But then when I think about him, I feel happy and thankful because he has never made me feel like I’m a incredibly ridiculous person.)

Is it my own fault? Have I made my life like this? What’s wrong with me?
18 October 2014 @ 09:14 pm
There's a first for everything, right? Today, I got sex mail!!! Well, there's this lesbian dating site I sometimes remember to log in to (and I sometimes message people but it is hard to get a reply that can lead to an actual conversation... I suspect the truth is that a lot of people aren't actually comfortable with writing).

Anyway, it was not just one message, but seven of them. And they were almost identical; a few of them were a little different. They were sent by a 20-year-old (at least according to the profile), and that's too young for me anyway. (That's more or less my students' age!!) And there was no punctuation whatsoever, just a wall of text. And there were some details there that made want to go bleach my brain (okay, not too extreme I guess, but even as a 100% inexperienced person, I feel there are certain things I just don't like). Basically she described what she wanted me to do with her and what she was doing while she imagined it, and also asked a few questions like "what are you wearing right now?"

Of course, there's no way I can reply to something like that. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't know how, and the whole idea just seems strange to me. Also - to be perfectly honest - because of the way it was written. I can sympathize with a person being horny, but not with a flood of badly spelled words without even a comma. A few of the messages begin like this: "hi do you like younger I'm a horny girl I met a 30-year-old yesterday..." *sighs* And here I thought adding a few photos to my profile would get me more serious messages...

Well, but what would I do if somebody sent me a sexual message that was actually beautiful and well-written? *lol* Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that would be even stranger...

Today I went with my grandmother to this small village where they have a few outlet stores. We went there because I had told her I want a pair of shoes and she said she had read that one of the stores have very cheap shoes. Well, they did have 50% sale, but... if the shoes are super expensive to begin with, that doesn't help me! So I didn't buy any shoes, and I so picky anyway... I need something that I can actually walk comfortably in while they're elegant enough to be worn with a skirt, while being warm enough for the winter... and not too expensive. I guess that's mission impossible, huh?

Anyway, it's getting too cold to wear dresses and stuff anyway! (But that's why I want something warmer on my feet, something almost knee-high...) I bought this dress not too long ago (I have a couple of cardigans I can wear with it). It doesn't look too bad on me, actually. That's because the skirt is loose like that. A dress like this is way too revealing. I look fat in it and I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with that style.

Also, it was tricky to get there because apparently the bus doesn't go there on Saturdays anymore. We only got half-way, and then we would have had to pre-order a "taxi bus" or whatever. Luckily, there were a few other people who had done that, and we got a ride with them. It was a mini bus with only five seats because it was adapted for wheelchairs. We were six people but the driver was nice enough to allow one man to sit on the floor!! Not to mention how nice it was of him to agree to do that! I could have sat on the floor but he said he didn't mind... The thing is, this society is getting less and less adapted to people who don't own a car. People should either have a car or don't try to get out on the countryside! I don't even have a license...

The funny thing is that there was a regular bus on the way home, but we had to stay there for more than three hours. So we went to all the stores, had lunch (veggie burger and french fries...) and talked about various things. I mentioned something about Stefan again as if it is an inevitable topic... I don't even know why, because when she asked me "so what do you talk to him about?" I just said: "oh, just... a lot of different things..." I don't want to tell her that!

But there are things I find are hard to say to Stefan, too. Like the other day when we talked about all that stuff and the topic of my "ex" came up, I said that the most wonderful thing was that it felt amazing to finally be able to tell another person all about my feelings. He asked: "What kind of things did you say?" and I just looked at him, like... I can't say such things out loud!! I mean, there wasn't anything extraordinary, just a lot of "my darling!" this and that and *hugs!* and frankly I don't even want to remember everything... but maybe I do... anyway, it's just difficult to say such words. But I guess he gets that, more or less. He asked: "Did you say 'I love you'?" (he said those words in English.) "Yes", I said, "in three languages..." because she taught me some words and phrases in Japanese. But it is just as hard for me to use affectionate words as it is to use curse words. I litterally (?) can't say words like "damn" or "shit" and I don't even remember the last time I said "I like you". It feels really awkward for me to try to make those words come out of my mouth. I can write them, but I can't even say them as quotes. (I remember the last time I said "I love you", I said it to her once when I still thought it was okay to say it.)

Tonight, episode two of the fifth season of Downton Abbey. Wow, time flies so quickly! I didn't even watch most of season four but I think I will watch at least a few eps of this season to see if I'm still interested.
30 July 2014 @ 10:46 pm
I'm trying to write a speech for my brother's wedding. Have you ever done that? It's so hard! Not because I don't know the theory of writing speeches, but... well, let's just say that it's not my favourite genre. (It seems so much easier when you just quote a textbook and try to teach sixteen-year-olds how to do it! *lol* I’m a fake Swedish teacher…)

Do it or not to do it, that’s the question!Collapse )
04 March 2014 @ 07:01 pm
I just made a test on language history for one of my classes. This makes me feel like a real teacher! *lol*
More about my teachingCollapse )

Today is Shrove Tuesday, in some countries called Pancake Day or Pancake Tuesday. In Sweden, we don't have a special day for pancakes (although there's a certain tradition saying that pancakes should be eaten on Thursdays, especially if you had yellow pea soup for dinner). Here, Shrove Tuesday is called Fat Tuesday (last chance to get fat before Lent). This is the day when you eat a semla in Sweden! But bakeries these days start selling them way before Shrove Tuesday; I have already eaten three this year. Twice at the café where I meet the French conversation group, and then the other day mom made us some semlor. (Writing in Swenglish is really hard. -or is plural for nouns ending in -la.) Mom makes them better, of course. She put the leftover buns in the freezer, so we'll have one semla each today as well. :)

...And now she brought it to me. :) I should study now! I really should.
13 September 2013 @ 01:43 pm
Yesterday, in my fruitless search for the less known dramas and movies Arata Iura has been in, I thought about this song. I haven't even listened to in ages, but it just hit me that it describes me pretty well, in some ways.
I don't think it's actually about celebrity crushes, but it very well could be, in my opinion!

I don't actually write love letters, like the song says. Not even fan letters, these days. But I did write something for Fanny Ardant once... did I ever tell you about it? Maybe not, because it's a bit silly, but okay, here's the story:

This was during those days before I used LJ, when I spent a lot of time reading a blog by a young woman in Argentina. Even though it was in Spanish, I tried my very best to read it and the blog was very image-heavy, and I did not know where else to discuss Fanny Ardant's movies, so the language barrier didn't seem that important... Anyway, we sort of formed our own little fanclub there; most of us commenters were the same five to seven people. We all tried to write in French, but it was mostly mixed with English and/or Spanish. After a year or two, it felt like we were all good friends. :)

One of the girls happened to live in Paris, and once, she had the opportunity to go to some event where Fanny Ardant was going to read something... We were all very excited about this. And somebody got the idea that we should write a letter together. We couldn't actually write it together (living in different time zones and all) but each of us sent Lily a few lines, and she combined it all and made an international letter! I have absolutely no recollection at all of what I wrote... I think something about which ones of her movies I liked the best or something...

Lily went to this thing, and later, she walked up to Fanny Ardant and gave her the letter, saying in was a letter from "the whole world"... and Fanny, she later reported, seemed very surprised but in a good way. :)

(It was almost from the whole world: Argentina, Taiwan, Spain, Sweden, France, Italy, and maybe some more country I don't remember! Later, an American woman joined our circle...)

I'm still not sure if this was too silly or not (considering we were all in our 20's or older) but we thought it made sense back then to do this.

And then, of course, I was told by my hardcore fangirl friends that it would be appropriate to write something on a pretty card when we went to see Mireille Mathieu, so I did. Perhaps she sang this song for her fans, to show her understanding of "adolescent" idolization of someone unattainable and far away from real life...
26 August 2013 @ 08:36 pm
Title: The Future Is Bright
Fandom: Rich Man, Poor Woman
Rating|Genre: g | slash, family/friendship, ust/unrequited
Characters: Kosuke Asahina, Toru Hyuga
Summary: Now that Asahina is back at the company, Hyuga probably thinks everything is back to normal, but Asahina has something he needs to tell him, because he has made a silent promise never to lie to his friend again.. (Post-series.)
Word count: 2110
Notes: I wrote this months ago, probably about a week after I had finished watching RMPW, but I never posted it, for some reason. It feels funny to re-read it now…

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25 August 2013 @ 06:13 pm
Title: Conrad’s Decision (Chérie’s Baby, 9/?)
Fandom: Kyou Kara Maou
Rating|Genre: g | family/friendship, slash, angst
Characters|Pairing: Conrad, Yuuri, Gwendal, Yozak, Greta, Chérie, others | Yuuri/Sara, Conrad/Yuuri
Summary: Wolfram has stormed out of the room where the little girl recently was born; the others follow soon, and Conrad makes a decision.
Word count: 3 426

It’s certainly somebody’s fault, Gwendal said.Collapse )